You want me to what?
by Microwave-Is-An-Onomatopoeia
Summary: Scott has a little problem that he only trusts Stiles to help with. Stiles needs new friends. Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. Also this was written at 4:30 in the morning so I'm not even sure what this is.


Stiles Stilinski sat on his bed with his mouth gaping open staring blankly at his soon to be ex best friend Scott McCall.

"Dude stop with the stares alright this is serious I think there's something wrong with me! I'm broken" Scotts voice rose in pitch and volume as Stiles continued staring.

Stiles slowly blinked before taking a deep breath. "You want me. To look at your dick. Because you think it's broken?" Stiles asked, voice a little louder and less frantic than normal.

Not even five minutes ago Stiles had been playing old school Super Mario Bros. He was about to kick Bowsers pixelated ass and save Princess Peach. Then a familiar figure burst through his door, at four in the freaking morning he'll have you know, eyes wide and slightly crazed and demanded that Stiles examine his junk.

"Aren't you listening? My... thing, grew Stiles, like, huge. I was in the middle of, ya know, and then it happened and I'm freaking out right now because it isn't going away and I need you to tell me if I'm like, defective or something!" Scotts distress was clear in his voice.

Stiles just continued blinking at him. "So, your 'thing' is getting bigger while you're 'in the middle of, ya know' and it's not going away and it's freaking you out," Stiles would later blame his excessive air quoting on the late hour as well as the massive amounts of Red Vines and Mountain Dew he had practically been mainlining. "Dude, I know you didn't get an A in it but I'm positive you passed Health alright. We learned all about our reproductive system and why we get those warm fuzzy feelings in our lower areas. By the way, if we're actually gonna have this conversation I'm done with the seventh grade language. We're both seventeen, we can say dick and sex and I'm sure if we apply ourselves we can even say cum!" Stiles gave a falsely cheery smile that was meant to motivate and mock Scott, something he'd perfected in the fourth grade.

"Dude I know what a boner is, I'm saying, while I was hard and inside my freaking boyfriend, for the first time dammit, I got bigger than I've ever been," Scott explained fisting his hair as he tried not to picture the confusion on Isaacs face when he had hurriedly pulled out before making up an excuse while trying not to let Isaac see him.

Stiles' face screwed up at that, picturing what Scott was saying. It wasn't that he particularly wanted to think about his almost brothers junk swelling but he had an over active imagination. Say something to him and he's almost 100% guaranteed to picture it.

"Please dude just look at it, you studied all this werewolf crap, you'll be able to tell me if its a werewolf thing or a 'Scott's a freak, nobody touch him' thing," Scott begged Stiles, a look of pure anguish on his face.

"Why is this suddenly happening with Isaac? I know you've done it with Allison before, you called, texted, sent a picture of you with a thumbs up and a stupid grin in your face and you Facebooked it. What's different now? Maybe it was like, an allergic reaction to the condom or the lube you guys were using." Stiles suggested reasonably even as he felt the irritation just thinking about the bombardment of updates on Scotts lack of virginity.

Stiles sighed in exasperation "Scott chill out man, we'll figure this out alright. Show m- wait a minute." Stiles narrowed his eyes at Scott, a contemplative look coming over his face. "This isn't some dumb werewolf prank is it? I swear to God Scott McCall, if this is some weird little werewolfy game and you just want me to look at your dick for some reason I will punch you as hard as I can in the balls. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe a week from now, maybe a month from now. Hell I might wait until you're on your death bed with all your friends and family around you, I will ask them to leave and tell them that I was and always have been secretly in love with you but that I knew you couldn't return my feelings. I'll convince them to give me just five minutes of privacy with you so that at least I can know that I told you before you died. I'll fluff your pillows, make sure you're comfortable look you straight in the eye and falcon punch you in the crotch so hard, every member of your family with a Y chromosome will feel it for the next millennia. Do you understand me Scott McCall. The next millennia." As he was talking Stiles rose from the bed, advancing on his furry friend until Scott had backed up against a wall and Stiles was poking him in the chest to punctuate his words.

Scott couldn't help the shudder at the deadly calm in Stiles' voice and how his eyes widened until they looked like they might fly out of the sockets if they got any larger. "Bro, I swear on my mothers life, this is not a joke. There's something seriously freaking me out and I came to you because I trust you. Please."

Stiles held the glare for another minute before slowly relaxing and sitting back on his bed. "Fine, whip it out. But remember Scott, falcon punch to the crotch." Stiles crossed his arms and mentally prepared himself for what was about to happen.

Scott squirmed for a moment before quickly unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans and yanking them down to his knees. He shut his eyes tight and braced himself for the worst.

Stiles, to his credit, didn't make a noise. He just looked. And looked. And looked. Finally his gaze went from the dick staring back at him 'how is he still hard Jesus Christ' to Scotts stupid uneven face before closing his eyes and sighing. "I'll call Derek, say I was on a research bender again and need to know if werewolves and regular wolves have similar mating habits, because if they do then I know what's happening." Stiles reached for his phone, praying this wouldn't be the thing that finally got Derek to snap and follow through on his death threats.

The phone rang three an a half times before Derek picked up, "Stiles what the hell are you calling me for at 4:46 in the morning?"

Dereks voice was rough and deep and holy hell Stiles was gonna have to save that for later because right now "Sorry man but I was up again, researching and stuff and I found a site that said werewolves and wolves had almost identical mating habits. Biologically and anatomically speaking that is. And by anatomically I mean do you have a knot?" Stiles hoped Derek couldn't hear the lie over the phone and was still asleep enough to actually just give a straight answer.

Derek gave a long suffering sigh and closed his eyes before responding. "Yes Stiles, werewolves have very similar mating habits. And yes all werewolves have knots but we can only knot out mates. And before you ask, knots usually keep us connected for about 30 minutes, yes we have mates, we tend to mate for life, yes we have a choice in who they are but it depends primarily on who our wolf chooses, no we don't only have one mate, if our mate dies we have the option of finding a new mate, no it's not like soulmates, and no I'm not psychic, you're just predictable."

The line wet dead as Derek hung up on Stiles, leaving the almost adult to stare open mouthed at his phone. He turned to Scott who had tuned out the conversation in lieu of staring forlornly at his still hard dick. "So good news buddy, your peen is totally the status quo for a werewolf. Also congratulations, apparently Isaac is your mate!"

Scott's head snapped up and his eyes focused on Stiles as he listened to him explain what Derek had just told him. A dopey grin spread across his face as he realized what that meant. "Do you know what that means? That means Isaac and I are meant to be! Like, we're actually forever dude!"

"Yeah, yeah congrats Mario. Now go get your Peach before he decides he can do better," He smiled at Scott shaking his head in exasperation before flopping back on the bed, "God I need new friends."

Stiles sat back up quickly, glaring at Scott, "And for the love of all things Nintendo put your dick away!"


End file.
